How do you know...

Seems like in the past week or 2 a few issues have come up...where I'm questioning whether or not I'm a good mom. Honestly, these little things come up all the time...but a couple of "big ones" have hit me recently. Maybe with another one on the way too, I'm a little more "sensitive" about it...who knows.

So...misbehavior...does that mean I'm not a good mom? My kid hits another at school...does that mean I'm not doing my job? What about if you couple that with the fact that he often seems to be tightly wound in general? Does he need anger management now?! Or am I just a major spazzoid...

What about this...there's some significant family (not immediate, regularly interacting family) dysfunction going on...that will eventually be "noticed" and by eventually I mean pretty soon.  What needs to be said? How do you keep the info kid appropriate? How do you not destroy innocence...especially when you have no control over the situation. One thing I know for sure, I always want my kids to know that I was honest with them (to their age level, of course)...but I want that trust to be there. So the internal angst continues....what to tell, what not to tell, when to tell...ugh. The unfortunate part here is that there are NO do-overs. Whatever I go with is what we shall live with...

And for the regular every day stuff...is my perpetually tightly wound-ness rubbing off? Am I spending enough quality time? Am I spending too much quality time? Am I disciplining enough for back talk? Am I hounding all over too much for back talk? Do I have a negative attitude? Wow...being in my brain kind of stinks sometimes.

Being a good mom is tough...that's what I do know. I'm doing my best every day...I know that too. Aside from that though, there is a lot of unknown. Not a fan of that so much...

Honestly, where did this guy go? Things seemed a lot simpler when he was around...and my arms were a lot smaller too. Sigh...

Choo-Choo! (Goo-Goo!)

Letter to Connor...

Dear Sweet Baby Connor,
     You're not even here yet and already, so many people are just in love with you. Your big brother, Ryan, loves to kiss you in my belly and sing a special song to you every night. He felt you kick the other night and the look on his face was priceless. Whatta smile. You two are going to be great buddies. He will show you how to do so many fun things. I'm sure you'll argue a little too but always remember this: you're BROTHERS and you're there for each other til the end. 
     Many others are constantly attempting to feel your little kicks, your Daddy, your Darna and your PJ. Darna and PJ are your grandparents, they have special names that Ryan gave to them when he was a little guy. They're special people so we'll keep the special names. They live right up the street from us and come down to play often. They're very excited to meet you. Darna already saw you at the doctor when I had a 10 week ultrasound. You were moving all around in there, she loved it. Between now and the time you're born I'm sure we will have other visitors in the room for your ultrasounds. You're like a little celebrity!
     I, for one, am getting super excited to meet you. I feel you moving almost all day now; your are one busy little guy. I bought you some clothes yesterday and am so amazed that in just a few short months you'll be here to wear them. You're joining a pretty cool family and we can't wait to have you be a part of it. Daddy and I and your 3 big brothers are waiting anxiously to hold you. In the meantime, I'm just going to keep enjoying you riding around with me all day.

XOXO,
Mommy

Yikes...

It's been even longer than I thought since the last time I blogged and given that this is supposed to start supplementing my lack of photo album and scrapbook making, I'm feeling like a big failure at the moment at documenting family history. And OMG holy crap, to top it off, my camera has been broken for MONTHS so in addition to not blogging as much as I should, I'm also lacking pictures. Thank God for grandparents...aka Darna.

Things around here are going quite well. I'm now 23 weeks pregnant with what we have discovered is another wonderful baby boy.

I'm so sorry if this will embarrass you some day!!

His name is Connor Michael Stevens and he is growing more and more every day...or at least that's what people keep telling me. Yep! People in my office, people in my family, random medical assistants at the pediatrician's office (because, yes, I've been there twice this week)...all feel the need to mention that "I'm getting bigger and bigger every day" . Is this really necessary? I mean, duh, yes I'm getting bigger every day and honestly, I'm okay with that...but why are you talking about it?

I'm getting to that point in my pregnancy where a lot of realizations are happening. Some good, some not so good. Things I'm awesomely excited about: in just 4 short months (assuming I can actually go a full 9 months) I will get to hold my little baby boy and snuggle a newborn all day long, I get to do all of that honeymoon lovey dovey feeling again, I'll get to NOT be getting bigger and bigger every day but rather hopefully, smaller and smaller every day.  Things I'm getting a little not so excited about: OMG in 4 short months there will be another little human here that still needs a room and 3 other little boys who still need their new room made, in just 4 short months I will need all of the things that I don't have at the moment, I still need to find someone to watch this little bundle of love when I work, somehow in the next 2 months I'll need to be ready for Christmas and Ryan's birthday...and the list goes on. Stressing a little but a lot of this just cannot be done yet...so I wait. And while I wait, I enjoy feeling this little guy move all around and watching everyone around fall in love with him already.

One thing's for sure Baby Connor, when you make your entrance, we'll be ready. Somehow, some way...and we can't wait. I can't wait to see what your tiny little face looks like. I can't wait to touch your soft skin and listen to your little sounds. I can't wait to watch your big brothers with you. You are so loved and we've waited a very long time for you. The family is now complete....so yes everyone, that means we will NOT be trying for a girl. People are INSANE.

In closing, if I could have just one wish right now it would be this: leg hair would stop growing for the winter much like the grass does. That's getting to be a bit of a challenge...

Are We There Yet?

10 weeks here, 14 weeks now! We find out next month if you are a baby boy or baby girl!!

I'm going to preface this by saying that I am NOT complaining. It might sound like that a little, but I swear, I'm not. I'm in this weird place right now where time can't go fast enough...and it can't go slow enough. Kind of like the love/hate relationship I have with my kitchen floor: it hides dirt really well and it hides dirt really well. Pregnancy this time is zapping everything out of me. I'm still nauseous. I'm still exhausted. These are pregnancy symptoms that are new to me. I'm having a harder time this time being all honeymoonish about things...and I feel guilty about that. I feel like I'm being a big baby and I'd like to slap myself sometimes...hence me wanting time to move faster.

But...really, I don't want time to move faster. There is still sooooooo much to do before February, it's not even funny. Basic things like: figure out where to put the baby, how will maternity leave work when I don't actually get one. I know, know, know that all of this will work out in the end but everyone knows I'm a planner and prefer to live life with a crystal ball so this up in the air quality about life is kind of unsettling. Hmmm I wonder if this is why I don't sleep much? Is it really the mattress? Is it really that I'm constantly waking myself up to get onto that coveted left side position? Maybe I really just need to figure out some of those basics. 

I'm thinking that when school resumes tomorrow and my current baby leaves me for 1st grade, I will have a little more time to focus on answering some of these giant questions. Now let's just hope I can stay awake...

Note to baby on the way: we are all so excited that you are coming, so excited to see you and snuggle you. Mommy doesn't mean to sound anything other than that so please don't be offended. I'm just kind of old now and not as tough apparently. I love you very much. 

Note to baby leaving for 1st grade tomorrow: Thank you for a great summer...ok I'm crying now. I'm so proud of how big, independent and smart you are. I'm sorry that I'm going to cry tomorrow, I'll try to be very discreet about it. Ok, balling now.

Yep, I'm pregnant.

A Wild Ride...

It's been quite a month...most notable would be finding out that we will have a new baby in the house in February!! Throw in regular life and well...that IS a wild ride. I'm guessing that I won't be keeping the detailed memoirs that I did in my last pregnancy so I'm really hoping to get some good details into this blog. Mom, I'm also counting on you for that Darna Journal you like to write...some things to add so far: I am around the corner from 9 weeks along and already quite large LOL. Well, I feel quite large. I woke up this morning at an obscene hour and ate frozen waffles. This was not because I simply wanted them...I was really sincerely hungry. In fact, I am sincerely hungry about every 2 hours. Doing my best to insert healthy food into the mouth every 2 hours but...sigh. The scary thing? I'm almost 7 years older than the last time around; fairly certain that what goes on is going to take a super long time to come off this time around...or that I may actually have to do something to get it to come off. Yikes. Minor anxiety there...especially if the current appetite persists. On a more serious note though, I'm just really happy and excited. Even if I gain 75 pounds and it never comes off. Okay, after I typed that I'm totally not okay with that scenario. We heard a little heartbeat twice already this month which just absolutely melted my heart. Forgot what that joy was like...and am about to cry right now. Yep, pregnant. Darna-insert into journal all of the ridiculous things I've contacted you regarding while in tears. A total basket case. The kids are super excited about baby's arrival. Lots of interesting name ideas and predictions of what said baby will look like...ehh hmm...Ryan informed us that he thinks the baby will be "African American". His exact words-true story. I'm sure there will be lots more to report as the weeks drag go on. Looking forward to every one of them...because this will absolutely, positively be the very last time on the planet earth in this lifetime that I experience these weeks...did I stress that enough?

Onto other news...vacation was successfully completed...I think we were all a little out of breath after that one. Fun times though...I say this every year and I'll say it again: Maybe someday we can take a vacation from vacation. I wasn't even close to full capacity in the activity department and I was even worn out. Oh the poor men...the throwing of humans, balls, dive sticks & humans again was never-ending. Love these guys.

No jellyfish stings-always a good thing. Probably because we spent a total of 7.5 minutes in the ocean due to fear of the jellyfish. Wondering if the fact that everyone around us was catching giant JF all around us was intensifying this fear? Hmm. Probably. Perhaps next year we'll just find a new and different pool in town to camp out at. Less driving...but oh how I'd miss at least getting to look at the ocean, hear it...something about it <3. I know, just know that some day they will love being on the actual beach. It may be to chase girls for all I know, but some day we will not spend all of our time at the pool next to the beach!! Forget that in-town pool idea.

More exciting news yesterday...hubs was offered a job coaching college ball and gets to move on from the high school game. Long time coming, work has finally paid off...super happy for him. One slight concern: he informed me last night he will be in Louisville for a game on February 11th. When are we due? The 13th. Should be interesting...I'm voting for a late January arrival anyway but I guess we'll see what curve life throws us this time.

The not so wild part of the ride? I turn 31 tomorrow...people keep asking me what I want to do for my birthday. Umm nothing. I'd like to pretend it's not my birthday and perhaps just eat extra yummy food. Wow. That's a far cry from what I was saying 10 years ago when asked what I wanted to do for my birthday week.

Oh summer....

So we're a week and a half in...and I don't even know where to start. We've had a lot of fun but I'm wondering at some points in the day if there isn't something to year round school...I have never been blessed with an independently playing child. There is always someone following me around wanting to play something. I'm blessed with independently bored...or constantly scrambling to "do something"...cha-ching cha-ching...

So....so far we have done Monkey Joes, Six Flags, the pool, the movies, little shopping excursions, the playground of course, lunch outings...

I'm tired. If only we had a pool in the backyard OMG that would be so amazing...

Just want to note a couple of details from our activities so that if their adult recollection is of trauma, I have reality documented here: Six Flags could have been characterized as child abuse. We did in fact force all 3 into their first roller coaster experience. Ryan surprisingly enough was actually crying in line for The Ninja. The twins just scared silent...though you totally can't tell from the picture. Thanks, Ry for trying to smile...and you're welcome husband for editing you out of the pic.

Why would I do this? Because I KNEW 100% that they would l-o-v-e it...and they did. Lots of excited screams on the way off...same silence in line for The Boss. Side note, none of us have never been on The Boss. We are still hearing about how Daddy said a bad word on The Boss. Oh $&!^ no! Wow. Additional note...don't ever tell me I don't love you or didn't do anything for you when you were kids. I sat through Pirates of the Caribbean 4...and literally wanted to poke my eyes out and pull each strand of hair from my head. In that order. That's just one small example of my love...

Alright, gotta go now...meltdown occurring due to me laughing-just slightly-at the basketball ricocheting off of the very top of the thingy. I guess I would be assaulted if I attempted a photo of the reaction to slight laughter...but it's funny when a 6 year old is The Hulk. Just shoot it into the net sweetheart...not over it. No more laughing I promise...xoxo

whatta weekend....

Woke up this morning hearing about Osama...and had way more feelings about it than I would've imagined...maybe it's the fact that there seems to be SO MUCH devastation in the world right now, heck just in the last week all the crazy tornadoes ETC...who knows. All I do know is that I'm not one to usually think about all "that stuff" too much, though husband is often talking about 2012, end of the world, all these earthquakes, tsunamis etc are a sign of...blah blah blah. But today is kind of a "whoa" day for me...and I'm not a fan. I'm worried about what's going to happen next, how are the pics of Americans partying and celebrating going to be received by the rest of the world, namely the people who already hate us...what kind of backlash or retaliation is going to happen now? Will things get better or get worse? Is this driving us into an even bigger war? For a person who historically enjoys knowing what's about to happen and better yet having control of what's going to happen, this kind of sucks.

Doing my best to go back into "whatever" mode...I liked it a lot better there.

On a happier note, the weather this weekend was a welcome change...we finally got our first baseball game of the season in and I'm fairly certain that Ryan will be a member of the Cardinals some day haha. We did have our first experience of me truly annoying and embarrassing him. I will remain in the bleachers from now on...but may have to go buy one of those cameras with the super duper long lenses. Anyone who can show me how to work one of those, please let me know. Otherwise, it's clear the cute pics will stop here:

After that start to the weekend, every sport imaginable was played for hours upon hours. We had what seemed to be a never-ending baseball game in the front yard where I was all-time outfield due to my extreme lack of athletic ability. I missed just about every ball, was yelled at numerous times and a combination of laughter and running provided a stark reminder of my lack of bladder control. Thank you, child birth.

Bad Mom?

I've found myself asking this a lot lately...I'm sure everyone has at some point wondered if they're totally messing their little darlings up, if they're a bad mom. I guess I'll start by saying that I don't really think I'm a bad mom. I guess I just never realized the pressure that comes with the job. EVERYTHING is up to Mom: head to toe, inside and out...if they grow up to be wonderful, you're a good mom. If not...bad mom?!

Are you providing enough fruits and vegetables, enough milk, remembering to give the Flintstones vitamins? Have you selected the right school, facilitated play dates with the "right" friends, instilled manners? Have you been giving them medicine every day for years without being vigilant about possible side effects? Okay, I promise I'm done with that one for now but I could literally go on for hours about all of the ridiculous and not so ridiculous things that plague this mind of mine every day so often.

I guess what it boils down to is that I do my best. I love with all of my heart, all of the time...even when I yell or act impatiently or forget to send the quarter for hot chocolate at lunch...even when I cringe at the thought of playing anymore indoor soccer or little tykes basketball. I'm not perfect but I try. And...oh how it comes full circle now. I get it. Being a mom is hard, that doesn't mean that when I make a mistake I'm a bad mom. I'm not. I'm a flying by the seat of my pants mom on some days. I can now appreciate this about my mom...and some day the same will be done for me.

Just for the record though, I still rule the world...at least for a few more years!

Warning: Singulair!!

I apologize in advance that this may be the longest rant in the history of rants but I am deeply disturbed...even more than normal.  In November of 2006, a baby not even 2, was prescribed the drug Singulair after several hospitalizations for asthma. His Mommy liked his doctors very much, trusted them completely and was desperate to find relief for her baby. The drug worked, end of asthma saga. Sort of.

Fast forward almost 5 years, this same Mommy and now 6 year old baby and prancing through life...stumbling really sometimes between a mix of giggling and agonizing over said 6 year old's mood swings and frequent emotional distress. From his socks not feeling right to down-right tantrums over everything nothing. Mommy giggles to hide the worry and has been expressing for 4 years now that the terrible two's have been going on for entirely too long. Inside she wonders what she did to this child to make him so miserable sometimes. There is a long list of possibilities, every parent goes through that guilt in some way. Genes passed down, bad habits learned. This little boy picked up a little too much of Mommy's Type A personality, in fact it must be a super-sized dose of that. I need to practice relaxing with him, maybe try kid yoga (yes, we purchased that DVD at 3), maybe bedtime meditation (purchased that book at 4)...nothing is working, I just feel so bad for him sometimes.

A life changing day. Thursday, April 7th 2011. Bedtime was especially "involved" on this night. We talked for 20 minutes about various worries, it was the fastest I've ever heard his brain move. My heart was breaking for him; it's breaking now as I type this. I'm a professional, why can't I teach this kid the tools to slow, to relax, to not worry so much about. Everything. We're finally talked out, worries eased: No Daddy won't talk to you at Special Persons Mass in the morning, he won't get you in trouble. No the little red bumps on your arm are not a big deal, it's allergy season, they will go away, I promise. No the tiny hole in your toe where your blister was will not stay forever, it will heal and close, lets put some Neosporin and a band-aid on it. Yes we can take the bandaid off, I understand that it feels funny with the sheets. You get the picture...

Upon departing from his room, I tell Daddy of his worries...all of them. Daddy's save the day response? "It's that steroid inhaler he takes, I've been telling you that for years." Now for once, my sarcasm is not founded. That comment, though I totally disagreed led this Mommy to her laptop. A quick google search of long term effects of QVAR inhaler led to supporting information that side effects are in fact minimal. A second thought...to google long term side effects of Singulair in children led to...a complete mental break down.  Anxiety, depression, irritability, stomach pain, rapid heart beat, CLOTHES NOT FEELING RIGHT, are you kidding me?!! All there in black and white.

Hundreds upon hundreds of people writing in to tell of the side effects they had with the use of this drug...an overwhelming amount of these posts described my child perfectly. My brain exploded, tears poured. Husband came to comfort as he read over my shoulder. Holy crap. This has not been an extended version of the terrible twos. This is not a super-sized version of Mommy's personality. This has very likely been the result of a tiny pink pill, placed into his mouth every single night for almost 5 years.

I am speechless as to what was going through my mind at this point. Obviously not giving him that pill ever again and here we are. 4 days of no Singulair and we literally have a different child. He still has his preferences (yes, those are the Mommy traits coming out) but his expression of them is L.O.V.E.L.Y! The change has been drastic and I'm so relieved...

Now moving onto the not so pleasant feelings I'm having towards his docs for not mentioning that these side effects were possible. NO heads up to look for this stuff. Now moving onto the overwhelming guilt that my baby has suffered like this for almost his ENTIRE life and I've said to him a MILLION times to "just be nice", "just take a deep breath and calm down", "why are you acting like this???? and his equally frustrated response a million times of "I don't know!!!!"....

Something has got to be done...starting here with this blog. Not sure where I'll go next with it. Somewhere though. That's for sure.

http://www.askapatient.com/viewrating.asp?drug=20829&name=SINGULAIR

Intended Purpose...

When I started out it was with the intention of this being my new baby book of sorts...given that I have abandoned those way too long ago. It's embarrassing really so I won't say how long ago. I had such good intentions too...ugh! I digress...the blogging is fun to write, therapeutic at times but my original hope was that I could record for the family all of our wonderful memories, funny moments, etc.

It is for that reason that I will tonight give a collection of recent quotes...not my best writing sample, I'll warn you in advance but just a simple list <kid part> of ridiculous, adorable, thought provoking and just plain precious things that I've heard around here in the last couple of DAYS. I love my life. I ALWAYS say that I need to write things down, that I wish we had a video recording going at all times...but within seconds the funny conversation has passed and I've moved on...I'm sadly aware that this won't even be a complete list but I guess it's better than nothing. Kind of my motto as a mom sometimes...

1. "Can we sell people"

    "No baby, what made you ask that?"

    "They sold people when Jesus was alive. I think Jesus is cool"

2. "I miss Nanny, why did she have to die?"
     "I miss her too, I don't have a very good answer for you." Pause. "I guess God just wanted her home
      with him because she was so amazing."
     "I want to go home with him too so I can be with Nanny. Kids can get cancer too, you know."
     "Not this kid, Mommy can't handle that. You're not allowed to go home with God until you're very old."
      SILENCE. At least I didn't cry through the conversation this time...a variation of it takes place
      fairly regularly.I'm getting better at it...

3.  "Do you like frozen pizza?"
     "No, not really . I like warm pizza."
      Guess we really need to broaden the eating horizons around here...oops.

4.  "Natalie and Tommy keep talking about how they're in a relationship. Not like the kind of relationship

     where they wanna kiss though, don't worry."

     Pause for silent laughter so as not to bring about anger. "Oh, really? What type of relationship then?"
     "The kind where their parents are brothers or cousins or something."
     "Oh, so you mean that their parents are related?"
     "Yes! They're related!"

5.  "Why don't you ever blog about me? It's like I don't even exist in your life."
     "I tell you I'm going to blog about you all the time when you do certain things "
     "Oh yeah." Processing....processing...processing.... "What about the good stuff?"
     "That's not funny and no one really cares...I'll totally blog about you though. My terms."
     "Nah, nevermind."

PS-clearly the kiddos are not the only ones entertaining me.  Happy?! I blogged about you!!! Oh, look.
you even got a picture!! Insert minor eye roll....

I love you my funny, funny boys...you are amazing. Thanks for being born!! Yes, Mom...I stole that from you...I become you a little more every day...

xoxo

The Worst Day Everrr...

It must be something huge...this thing that has brought me out of blogging retirement. We've all had mommy moments we're not so proud of...but I may have really scarred him this time. Upon retrieving my child from school today, I unloaded the backpack-business as usual.  Take-home folder: check.  Lunch box: check. Daily art: check.  Oh but wait...it's not the normal daily art. See below.

If you can't see it, let me spell it out for you.  "I loev Mommy Caroline". What?!?!? You love who?!?!?! This was a little something like the actual response to a 6 year old...which is why...deep sigh....the paper in question appears to be crumbled. The poor little guy went to trash his beautiful art because this crazy lady had a minor heart attack. Seriously, Mommy...come on. Apparently Natalie told him to do it...so we're here already. It's no longer cool to love your Mommy in Kindergarten.

So....of course, I'm totally over thinking this as would be expected.  Thinking girlfriends...teen years...somebody please stop me. I sincerely hope this child becomes less attractive by then. I already know what his future GF looks like...and I already don't like her. Good Luck Caroline...or whoever you are ;)

And Ryan, my sweet baby boy, no matter what....I will always love you first and never cross your name out.  Even when you want me to, even when I am the most annoying, overreacting person on the planet...I will still be doing all of that out of this crazy love. xoxoxoxo