Favorite Child?

Someone made a funny joke the other day; that I like Drew more than Ryan...and it made me stop and think...can a parent really have a favorite child? I mean, really? Sure, on certain days, one of them will test me more than the other...but does that mean they're my favorite? The answer is definitely no.

Motherhood has made me realize many things...and I have Ryan to thank for that. Prior to Ryan, and I mean every waking minute leading up to his birth, I was like a lost puppy. I wandered around, doing a pretty healthy mix of what I was 'supposed to'. Finishing a masters, working, getting married...but mixed in there was also a disturbing amount of being in pain, not even understanding my pain, definitely not knowing how to get out of that pain and having a very unhealthy relationship. I wanted the white picket fence. Husband. House. Baby. Everything that I never had as a child...I was going to get that. Never mind that I was in the worst possible place to make that a reality.

December 26, 2004. I still get emotional when I remember what was going through my mind when they laid this little angel in my arms...I can assure you they weren't the same thoughts that you had when you held your bundle. I looked at him and told him silently how sorry I was for bringing him into the family that I had. I promised him that I would make it better. Sparing the gory details, I tried my very best to make that situation better...and when it was apparent that it wasn't going to happen, I started over. Walked away, just us (and my insanely supportive family, of course). 

Ryan and I proceeded to go to war together. 8 months old, he hadn't a clue...but we did. So you see, he not only made me a Mom...but he also explained to me for the 1st time in 24 years, why I was here on Earth. Why I had been roaming around. I was here for him and he was going to have a great life. Ryan is not my favorite child. He is however the child who made me a Mommy, who finally gave my life purpose and direction, who woke me up from a coma and made me do what I needed to to give him everything that he deserved. He's the child that stood by my side for all that our fresh start entailed...and it was super ugly at times. But I am who I am because he truly loved me and needed me. 

Fast forward 5 years. Life is full. A great house, husband and a busy house full of boys: Ryan and my bonuses, Jackson and Jacob. Something is missing though. It was insane to have another baby, we're bursting at the seams here. But when I would think about never being pregnant again, I would literally cry. You know what that means....throw logic out the window...we'll make room!!

January 24, 2012. Here comes this little brown haired boy (wait, what?? He has hair? And it's BROWN?!). And everything in me breathed a sigh of relief. A sigh of finally feeling complete. And if you're thinking that Ryan's story sounds more dramatic, profound, exciting?! Well, you're wrong. Drew and I went through a different kind of war. Drew allowed me to experience being a stay at home Mom. He allowed me to experience colic and acid reflux. Every minute of every day. He allowed me to experience never being able to produce the milk that I needed to despite trying so hard. He allowed me to experience STILL never sleeping through the night. He has been the boy that has been by my side during some different life changing experiences and I'm forever grateful to his demanding personality for distracting me and giving me something else to focus on. His mere existence kept things under control and manageable when I can honestly say, things may have gone in a different direction without him. The glue that holds everything together.

Lord knows where I would be without BOTH of these precious boys. So, back to my point...do parents really have favorites? I don't know, maybe. But not this parent. This parent is eternally grateful for the unique ways that each of her children breathed life into her life. Sound weird? It's not. Just because you have life, doesn't mean you're really breathing. Not intentionally anyway...and I know this first hand.

Seriously. I shudder to think of where I would've landed without these loves.

XOXO

Happy Birthday, My Sweet Drew!

1 year ago right now, at this moment, I was in the throes of labor...wondering if you were ever going to arrive...or if they were ever going to give me an epidural that would actually work. Here we are a year later; unfortunately sitting in a hospital again. Not how I imagined this day...but I'm so relieved to see you sleeping peacefully and I know when you wake up you will feel so much better. 5 days ago, yes I said 5 (!!!), your tiny little body started a stomach virus. Rather than improving a little every day, you've gotten worse...so here we are. This isn't your first IV, believe it or not. You still don't like them...and I don't like watching you get one. You were a trooper though and when they were finished, you rolled over, played with my hair & fell asleep. You're so stinking cute I could cry.

Your first year has been eventful, to say the least. Here's a brief recap. You entered this world in typical Drew fashion: I like to call it 'go big or go home'...it's just how you roll, in everything that you do. After your dramatic labor and c-section, you decided on a little pneumonia too. Once home, you struggled with acid reflux and the most insane case of colic that I have ever witnessed. Through the screams though I could see a sweet little guy and OMG was I right...you are sooooooo sweet. I am by far your favorite person on earth. You enjoy many of the other people who adore you too but you are a Mommy's boy...and your big brother does a fantastic job of sharing me....he is, after all, the original Mommy's boy.

What else can I tell you about your 1st year? You like to do things on your own schedule...but when you decide it's time, watch out. For example, you had no teeth until 9 months. By 10 months, however, you had 6. Similarly, you decided you didn't want to crawl until 11 months...but 10 minutes after giving it a go you were literally into everything. You are FAST. You can say 3 words: Mama, Dada and dis. We think that is 'this'...even though that's an odd 3rd word. You make me walk around all day, pointing to things saying 'dis' and that means you want to touch it. As a result, nothing hangs straight on our walls or is without tiny hand prints. This is weird coming out of my mouth given my rampant OCD but...I love it and I usually don't even fix it. I know that you are my last baby and I'm soaking every hand print in. Aside from exploring inside, you love to read books. And when I say read books, I mean READ. You will sit for entire stories...meant for older kids. Sometimes you make me read 10 in a row...and by 'make' I mean you throw the book at me to tell me you want to read. Sometimes it's the same book 10 times in a row! I don't even need to look at any of your books anymore, I've memorized them. All. So now we go to the library, armed with Clorox wipes...yes, I'm that Mom...and get new material for you. I'm taking this hobby as an indication of how smart you are. God, I love you. You are such an outdoor boy...just like Ry. Doesn't matter how cold it is, you want to go outside. When we come in you throw a little fit...which by the way, you've been doing for several months now. Again, go big or go home. There is nothing small about your personality....and yes, I'm a little scared. You remind me of someone ;)

Love those muscles!

Watching your brother catch some fishies in our pond

You're a big boy, you like to eat. You still really love your bottles though...so that's going to be super hard for you. I think we'll wait a bit on that. You've been a few months behind the curve on your other big milestones so I'm gonna give you a few more months with that too. You'll be more mature then, haha. That's my story & I'm sticking to it. You are still the world's worst sleeper...honestly, you could probably win an award. We have an appointment with the famous 'Sleep Lady' at St. Luke's next month. Honestly, I don't mind our little arrangement so much. I know it will end eventually...but...I know you need to sleep better for all of those healthy reasons. So we shall go give her a shot.

See, full of personality!!! And yes, you STILL love your burrito.

You LOVE your yumyums...I hope this isn't a problem as you get older haha

Hmmm what else...your health. You started with your first official sitter in August and proceeded to be constantly sick. So...even though she was super nice, we decided to keep you at home and so far you've avoided those tubes! We love your arrangement at home much better anyway. Miss Kate comes with your friend Mary Grace on Thursdays. You guys have so much fun. We will miss them when they move...stay tuned to hear your plans for then...because I have no idea yet! Aside from this horrendous virus, you've had a smooth few months in the health department. We're gonna get back into that pattern again, now!!

I'm pretty sure I said this was going to be a brief recap...oops. You're amazing. You're a very special little guy. You make me smile every single day and I feel so blessed to be your Mommy. Happy 1st Birthday, Drew!


Now...if we can just get discharged!! Yikes, I think they may admit you. Whatta memory this will be... For me anyway. Oy vey, Drew. Go big, or go home. XOXO