Bad Mom?

I've found myself asking this a lot lately...I'm sure everyone has at some point wondered if they're totally messing their little darlings up, if they're a bad mom. I guess I'll start by saying that I don't really think I'm a bad mom. I guess I just never realized the pressure that comes with the job. EVERYTHING is up to Mom: head to toe, inside and out...if they grow up to be wonderful, you're a good mom. If not...bad mom?!

Are you providing enough fruits and vegetables, enough milk, remembering to give the Flintstones vitamins? Have you selected the right school, facilitated play dates with the "right" friends, instilled manners? Have you been giving them medicine every day for years without being vigilant about possible side effects? Okay, I promise I'm done with that one for now but I could literally go on for hours about all of the ridiculous and not so ridiculous things that plague this mind of mine every day so often.

I guess what it boils down to is that I do my best. I love with all of my heart, all of the time...even when I yell or act impatiently or forget to send the quarter for hot chocolate at lunch...even when I cringe at the thought of playing anymore indoor soccer or little tykes basketball. I'm not perfect but I try. And...oh how it comes full circle now. I get it. Being a mom is hard, that doesn't mean that when I make a mistake I'm a bad mom. I'm not. I'm a flying by the seat of my pants mom on some days. I can now appreciate this about my mom...and some day the same will be done for me.

Just for the record though, I still rule the world...at least for a few more years!

Warning: Singulair!!

I apologize in advance that this may be the longest rant in the history of rants but I am deeply disturbed...even more than normal.  In November of 2006, a baby not even 2, was prescribed the drug Singulair after several hospitalizations for asthma. His Mommy liked his doctors very much, trusted them completely and was desperate to find relief for her baby. The drug worked, end of asthma saga. Sort of.

Fast forward almost 5 years, this same Mommy and now 6 year old baby and prancing through life...stumbling really sometimes between a mix of giggling and agonizing over said 6 year old's mood swings and frequent emotional distress. From his socks not feeling right to down-right tantrums over everything nothing. Mommy giggles to hide the worry and has been expressing for 4 years now that the terrible two's have been going on for entirely too long. Inside she wonders what she did to this child to make him so miserable sometimes. There is a long list of possibilities, every parent goes through that guilt in some way. Genes passed down, bad habits learned. This little boy picked up a little too much of Mommy's Type A personality, in fact it must be a super-sized dose of that. I need to practice relaxing with him, maybe try kid yoga (yes, we purchased that DVD at 3), maybe bedtime meditation (purchased that book at 4)...nothing is working, I just feel so bad for him sometimes.

A life changing day. Thursday, April 7th 2011. Bedtime was especially "involved" on this night. We talked for 20 minutes about various worries, it was the fastest I've ever heard his brain move. My heart was breaking for him; it's breaking now as I type this. I'm a professional, why can't I teach this kid the tools to slow, to relax, to not worry so much about. Everything. We're finally talked out, worries eased: No Daddy won't talk to you at Special Persons Mass in the morning, he won't get you in trouble. No the little red bumps on your arm are not a big deal, it's allergy season, they will go away, I promise. No the tiny hole in your toe where your blister was will not stay forever, it will heal and close, lets put some Neosporin and a band-aid on it. Yes we can take the bandaid off, I understand that it feels funny with the sheets. You get the picture...

Upon departing from his room, I tell Daddy of his worries...all of them. Daddy's save the day response? "It's that steroid inhaler he takes, I've been telling you that for years." Now for once, my sarcasm is not founded. That comment, though I totally disagreed led this Mommy to her laptop. A quick google search of long term effects of QVAR inhaler led to supporting information that side effects are in fact minimal. A second thought...to google long term side effects of Singulair in children led to...a complete mental break down.  Anxiety, depression, irritability, stomach pain, rapid heart beat, CLOTHES NOT FEELING RIGHT, are you kidding me?!! All there in black and white.

Hundreds upon hundreds of people writing in to tell of the side effects they had with the use of this drug...an overwhelming amount of these posts described my child perfectly. My brain exploded, tears poured. Husband came to comfort as he read over my shoulder. Holy crap. This has not been an extended version of the terrible twos. This is not a super-sized version of Mommy's personality. This has very likely been the result of a tiny pink pill, placed into his mouth every single night for almost 5 years.

I am speechless as to what was going through my mind at this point. Obviously not giving him that pill ever again and here we are. 4 days of no Singulair and we literally have a different child. He still has his preferences (yes, those are the Mommy traits coming out) but his expression of them is L.O.V.E.L.Y! The change has been drastic and I'm so relieved...

Now moving onto the not so pleasant feelings I'm having towards his docs for not mentioning that these side effects were possible. NO heads up to look for this stuff. Now moving onto the overwhelming guilt that my baby has suffered like this for almost his ENTIRE life and I've said to him a MILLION times to "just be nice", "just take a deep breath and calm down", "why are you acting like this???? and his equally frustrated response a million times of "I don't know!!!!"....

Something has got to be done...starting here with this blog. Not sure where I'll go next with it. Somewhere though. That's for sure.

http://www.askapatient.com/viewrating.asp?drug=20829&name=SINGULAIR