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Thursday, June 6, 2013

Favorite Child?

Someone made a funny joke the other day; that I like Drew more than Ryan...and it made me stop and think...can a parent really have a favorite child? I mean, really? Sure, on certain days, one of them will test me more than the other...but does that mean they're my favorite? The answer is definitely no.

Motherhood has made me realize many things...and I have Ryan to thank for that. Prior to Ryan, and I mean every waking minute leading up to his birth, I was like a lost puppy. I wandered around, doing a pretty healthy mix of what I was 'supposed to'. Finishing a masters, working, getting married...but mixed in there was also a disturbing amount of being in pain, not even understanding my pain, definitely not knowing how to get out of that pain and having a very unhealthy relationship. I wanted the white picket fence. Husband. House. Baby. Everything that I never had as a child...I was going to get that. Never mind that I was in the worst possible place to make that a reality.

December 26, 2004. I still get emotional when I remember what was going through my mind when they laid this little angel in my arms...I can assure you they weren't the same thoughts that you had when you held your bundle. I looked at him and told him silently how sorry I was for bringing him into the family that I had. I promised him that I would make it better. Sparing the gory details, I tried my very best to make that situation better...and when it was apparent that it wasn't going to happen, I started over. Walked away, just us (and my insanely supportive family, of course). 

Ryan and I proceeded to go to war together. 8 months old, he hadn't a clue...but we did. So you see, he not only made me a Mom...but he also explained to me for the 1st time in 24 years, why I was here on Earth. Why I had been roaming around. I was here for him and he was going to have a great life. Ryan is not my favorite child. He is however the child who made me a Mommy, who finally gave my life purpose and direction, who woke me up from a coma and made me do what I needed to to give him everything that he deserved. He's the child that stood by my side for all that our fresh start entailed...and it was super ugly at times. But I am who I am because he truly loved me and needed me. 

Fast forward 5 years. Life is full. A great house, husband and a busy house full of boys: Ryan and my bonuses, Jackson and Jacob. Something is missing though. It was insane to have another baby, we're bursting at the seams here. But when I would think about never being pregnant again, I would literally cry. You know what that means....throw logic out the window...we'll make room!!

January 24, 2012. Here comes this little brown haired boy (wait, what?? He has hair? And it's BROWN?!). And everything in me breathed a sigh of relief. A sigh of finally feeling complete. And if you're thinking that Ryan's story sounds more dramatic, profound, exciting?! Well, you're wrong. Drew and I went through a different kind of war. Drew allowed me to experience being a stay at home Mom. He allowed me to experience colic and acid reflux. Every minute of every day. He allowed me to experience never being able to produce the milk that I needed to despite trying so hard. He allowed me to experience STILL never sleeping through the night. He has been the boy that has been by my side during some different life changing experiences and I'm forever grateful to his demanding personality for distracting me and giving me something else to focus on. His mere existence kept things under control and manageable when I can honestly say, things may have gone in a different direction without him. The glue that holds everything together.



Lord knows where I would be without BOTH of these precious boys. So, back to my point...do parents really have favorites? I don't know, maybe. But not this parent. This parent is eternally grateful for the unique ways that each of her children breathed life into her life. Sound weird? It's not. Just because you have life, doesn't mean you're really breathing. Not intentionally anyway...and I know this first hand.

Seriously. I shudder to think of where I would've landed without these loves.

XOXO