Oh summer....

So we're a week and a half in...and I don't even know where to start. We've had a lot of fun but I'm wondering at some points in the day if there isn't something to year round school...I have never been blessed with an independently playing child. There is always someone following me around wanting to play something. I'm blessed with independently bored...or constantly scrambling to "do something"...cha-ching cha-ching...

So....so far we have done Monkey Joes, Six Flags, the pool, the movies, little shopping excursions, the playground of course, lunch outings...

I'm tired. If only we had a pool in the backyard OMG that would be so amazing...

Just want to note a couple of details from our activities so that if their adult recollection is of trauma, I have reality documented here: Six Flags could have been characterized as child abuse. We did in fact force all 3 into their first roller coaster experience. Ryan surprisingly enough was actually crying in line for The Ninja. The twins just scared silent...though you totally can't tell from the picture. Thanks, Ry for trying to smile...and you're welcome husband for editing you out of the pic.

Why would I do this? Because I KNEW 100% that they would l-o-v-e it...and they did. Lots of excited screams on the way off...same silence in line for The Boss. Side note, none of us have never been on The Boss. We are still hearing about how Daddy said a bad word on The Boss. Oh $&!^ no! Wow. Additional note...don't ever tell me I don't love you or didn't do anything for you when you were kids. I sat through Pirates of the Caribbean 4...and literally wanted to poke my eyes out and pull each strand of hair from my head. In that order. That's just one small example of my love...

Alright, gotta go now...meltdown occurring due to me laughing-just slightly-at the basketball ricocheting off of the very top of the thingy. I guess I would be assaulted if I attempted a photo of the reaction to slight laughter...but it's funny when a 6 year old is The Hulk. Just shoot it into the net sweetheart...not over it. No more laughing I promise...xoxo

whatta weekend....

Woke up this morning hearing about Osama...and had way more feelings about it than I would've imagined...maybe it's the fact that there seems to be SO MUCH devastation in the world right now, heck just in the last week all the crazy tornadoes ETC...who knows. All I do know is that I'm not one to usually think about all "that stuff" too much, though husband is often talking about 2012, end of the world, all these earthquakes, tsunamis etc are a sign of...blah blah blah. But today is kind of a "whoa" day for me...and I'm not a fan. I'm worried about what's going to happen next, how are the pics of Americans partying and celebrating going to be received by the rest of the world, namely the people who already hate us...what kind of backlash or retaliation is going to happen now? Will things get better or get worse? Is this driving us into an even bigger war? For a person who historically enjoys knowing what's about to happen and better yet having control of what's going to happen, this kind of sucks.

Doing my best to go back into "whatever" mode...I liked it a lot better there.

On a happier note, the weather this weekend was a welcome change...we finally got our first baseball game of the season in and I'm fairly certain that Ryan will be a member of the Cardinals some day haha. We did have our first experience of me truly annoying and embarrassing him. I will remain in the bleachers from now on...but may have to go buy one of those cameras with the super duper long lenses. Anyone who can show me how to work one of those, please let me know. Otherwise, it's clear the cute pics will stop here:

After that start to the weekend, every sport imaginable was played for hours upon hours. We had what seemed to be a never-ending baseball game in the front yard where I was all-time outfield due to my extreme lack of athletic ability. I missed just about every ball, was yelled at numerous times and a combination of laughter and running provided a stark reminder of my lack of bladder control. Thank you, child birth.

Bad Mom?

I've found myself asking this a lot lately...I'm sure everyone has at some point wondered if they're totally messing their little darlings up, if they're a bad mom. I guess I'll start by saying that I don't really think I'm a bad mom. I guess I just never realized the pressure that comes with the job. EVERYTHING is up to Mom: head to toe, inside and out...if they grow up to be wonderful, you're a good mom. If not...bad mom?!

Are you providing enough fruits and vegetables, enough milk, remembering to give the Flintstones vitamins? Have you selected the right school, facilitated play dates with the "right" friends, instilled manners? Have you been giving them medicine every day for years without being vigilant about possible side effects? Okay, I promise I'm done with that one for now but I could literally go on for hours about all of the ridiculous and not so ridiculous things that plague this mind of mine every day so often.

I guess what it boils down to is that I do my best. I love with all of my heart, all of the time...even when I yell or act impatiently or forget to send the quarter for hot chocolate at lunch...even when I cringe at the thought of playing anymore indoor soccer or little tykes basketball. I'm not perfect but I try. And...oh how it comes full circle now. I get it. Being a mom is hard, that doesn't mean that when I make a mistake I'm a bad mom. I'm not. I'm a flying by the seat of my pants mom on some days. I can now appreciate this about my mom...and some day the same will be done for me.

Just for the record though, I still rule the world...at least for a few more years!

Warning: Singulair!!

I apologize in advance that this may be the longest rant in the history of rants but I am deeply disturbed...even more than normal.  In November of 2006, a baby not even 2, was prescribed the drug Singulair after several hospitalizations for asthma. His Mommy liked his doctors very much, trusted them completely and was desperate to find relief for her baby. The drug worked, end of asthma saga. Sort of.

Fast forward almost 5 years, this same Mommy and now 6 year old baby and prancing through life...stumbling really sometimes between a mix of giggling and agonizing over said 6 year old's mood swings and frequent emotional distress. From his socks not feeling right to down-right tantrums over everything nothing. Mommy giggles to hide the worry and has been expressing for 4 years now that the terrible two's have been going on for entirely too long. Inside she wonders what she did to this child to make him so miserable sometimes. There is a long list of possibilities, every parent goes through that guilt in some way. Genes passed down, bad habits learned. This little boy picked up a little too much of Mommy's Type A personality, in fact it must be a super-sized dose of that. I need to practice relaxing with him, maybe try kid yoga (yes, we purchased that DVD at 3), maybe bedtime meditation (purchased that book at 4)...nothing is working, I just feel so bad for him sometimes.

A life changing day. Thursday, April 7th 2011. Bedtime was especially "involved" on this night. We talked for 20 minutes about various worries, it was the fastest I've ever heard his brain move. My heart was breaking for him; it's breaking now as I type this. I'm a professional, why can't I teach this kid the tools to slow, to relax, to not worry so much about. Everything. We're finally talked out, worries eased: No Daddy won't talk to you at Special Persons Mass in the morning, he won't get you in trouble. No the little red bumps on your arm are not a big deal, it's allergy season, they will go away, I promise. No the tiny hole in your toe where your blister was will not stay forever, it will heal and close, lets put some Neosporin and a band-aid on it. Yes we can take the bandaid off, I understand that it feels funny with the sheets. You get the picture...

Upon departing from his room, I tell Daddy of his worries...all of them. Daddy's save the day response? "It's that steroid inhaler he takes, I've been telling you that for years." Now for once, my sarcasm is not founded. That comment, though I totally disagreed led this Mommy to her laptop. A quick google search of long term effects of QVAR inhaler led to supporting information that side effects are in fact minimal. A second thought...to google long term side effects of Singulair in children led to...a complete mental break down.  Anxiety, depression, irritability, stomach pain, rapid heart beat, CLOTHES NOT FEELING RIGHT, are you kidding me?!! All there in black and white.

Hundreds upon hundreds of people writing in to tell of the side effects they had with the use of this drug...an overwhelming amount of these posts described my child perfectly. My brain exploded, tears poured. Husband came to comfort as he read over my shoulder. Holy crap. This has not been an extended version of the terrible twos. This is not a super-sized version of Mommy's personality. This has very likely been the result of a tiny pink pill, placed into his mouth every single night for almost 5 years.

I am speechless as to what was going through my mind at this point. Obviously not giving him that pill ever again and here we are. 4 days of no Singulair and we literally have a different child. He still has his preferences (yes, those are the Mommy traits coming out) but his expression of them is L.O.V.E.L.Y! The change has been drastic and I'm so relieved...

Now moving onto the not so pleasant feelings I'm having towards his docs for not mentioning that these side effects were possible. NO heads up to look for this stuff. Now moving onto the overwhelming guilt that my baby has suffered like this for almost his ENTIRE life and I've said to him a MILLION times to "just be nice", "just take a deep breath and calm down", "why are you acting like this???? and his equally frustrated response a million times of "I don't know!!!!"....

Something has got to be done...starting here with this blog. Not sure where I'll go next with it. Somewhere though. That's for sure.

http://www.askapatient.com/viewrating.asp?drug=20829&name=SINGULAIR

Intended Purpose...

When I started out it was with the intention of this being my new baby book of sorts...given that I have abandoned those way too long ago. It's embarrassing really so I won't say how long ago. I had such good intentions too...ugh! I digress...the blogging is fun to write, therapeutic at times but my original hope was that I could record for the family all of our wonderful memories, funny moments, etc.

It is for that reason that I will tonight give a collection of recent quotes...not my best writing sample, I'll warn you in advance but just a simple list <kid part> of ridiculous, adorable, thought provoking and just plain precious things that I've heard around here in the last couple of DAYS. I love my life. I ALWAYS say that I need to write things down, that I wish we had a video recording going at all times...but within seconds the funny conversation has passed and I've moved on...I'm sadly aware that this won't even be a complete list but I guess it's better than nothing. Kind of my motto as a mom sometimes...

1. "Can we sell people"

    "No baby, what made you ask that?"

    "They sold people when Jesus was alive. I think Jesus is cool"

2. "I miss Nanny, why did she have to die?"
     "I miss her too, I don't have a very good answer for you." Pause. "I guess God just wanted her home
      with him because she was so amazing."
     "I want to go home with him too so I can be with Nanny. Kids can get cancer too, you know."
     "Not this kid, Mommy can't handle that. You're not allowed to go home with God until you're very old."
      SILENCE. At least I didn't cry through the conversation this time...a variation of it takes place
      fairly regularly.I'm getting better at it...

3.  "Do you like frozen pizza?"
     "No, not really . I like warm pizza."
      Guess we really need to broaden the eating horizons around here...oops.

4.  "Natalie and Tommy keep talking about how they're in a relationship. Not like the kind of relationship

     where they wanna kiss though, don't worry."

     Pause for silent laughter so as not to bring about anger. "Oh, really? What type of relationship then?"
     "The kind where their parents are brothers or cousins or something."
     "Oh, so you mean that their parents are related?"
     "Yes! They're related!"

5.  "Why don't you ever blog about me? It's like I don't even exist in your life."
     "I tell you I'm going to blog about you all the time when you do certain things "
     "Oh yeah." Processing....processing...processing.... "What about the good stuff?"
     "That's not funny and no one really cares...I'll totally blog about you though. My terms."
     "Nah, nevermind."

PS-clearly the kiddos are not the only ones entertaining me.  Happy?! I blogged about you!!! Oh, look.
you even got a picture!! Insert minor eye roll....

I love you my funny, funny boys...you are amazing. Thanks for being born!! Yes, Mom...I stole that from you...I become you a little more every day...

xoxo

The Worst Day Everrr...

It must be something huge...this thing that has brought me out of blogging retirement. We've all had mommy moments we're not so proud of...but I may have really scarred him this time. Upon retrieving my child from school today, I unloaded the backpack-business as usual.  Take-home folder: check.  Lunch box: check. Daily art: check.  Oh but wait...it's not the normal daily art. See below.

If you can't see it, let me spell it out for you.  "I loev Mommy Caroline". What?!?!? You love who?!?!?! This was a little something like the actual response to a 6 year old...which is why...deep sigh....the paper in question appears to be crumbled. The poor little guy went to trash his beautiful art because this crazy lady had a minor heart attack. Seriously, Mommy...come on. Apparently Natalie told him to do it...so we're here already. It's no longer cool to love your Mommy in Kindergarten.

So....of course, I'm totally over thinking this as would be expected.  Thinking girlfriends...teen years...somebody please stop me. I sincerely hope this child becomes less attractive by then. I already know what his future GF looks like...and I already don't like her. Good Luck Caroline...or whoever you are ;)

And Ryan, my sweet baby boy, no matter what....I will always love you first and never cross your name out.  Even when you want me to, even when I am the most annoying, overreacting person on the planet...I will still be doing all of that out of this crazy love. xoxoxoxo

He's Baaa-aaack!

Some will remember the glowing blog from the beginning of Kindergarten...just a couple of months ago...regarding little Ryan and how he was surprising me with his maturity each day?!? Well....these days I'm wishing we had hidden cameras in our house documenting the morning "routine", which now consists of daily fits reminiscent of the 2-3 year old age. (I say hidden because I can no longer document these "funny" moments on video as he is aware that I am doing so and will either 1. think that I think that this is funny or 2. become even more "irritated" and that's putting it mildly!) 

+ 4 years